I know, it’s taboo to say, but it’s true.

Sleeping in separate beds in separate bedrooms saves relationships.

It certainly saved mine.

And it seems I am not alone.

Experts estimate that between 25 to 40 per cent of couples in North America are already sleeping apart, but the stigma continues.

“Sleep Divorces”, as they are sometimes called, could actually end up being the key to your relationship bliss.

Not every couple needs to sleep apart, let’s be clear on that point up front. But if sleep, or lack thereof, is causing serious problems in your relationship, it might be time to try an alternative arrangement!

My partner and I have been living together for over ten years now, and we started sleeping separately in year two.

I used to regularly snore very loudly and my partner can be a very light sleeper.

And I sleep VERY hot. I am constantly switching back and forth between sheet and quilt and blanket… turning the pillows over and kicking off socks.

But perhaps my worst sleep habit back then? Restless Leg Syndrome! 

According to prevention.com, Restless leg syndrome (RLS) is a neurological disorder affecting an estimated 5 to 15 per cent of adults, where you have an uncontrollable urge to move your legs and occasionally your arms, often due to uncomfortable sensations which usually happen when you’re resting, especially at night, and can interfere with your sleep.

I was constantly moving, like more than twice a minute according to a sleep study I had done. It drove my partner bonkers!

For his part, he was working an afternoon shift that meant we were going to bed at different times. 

And our bedtime preferences couldn’t be more different:

• I like my bedroom freezing cold, he likes it warmer than me
• I prefer lighter blankets, he likes layers of blankets
• I like to move around from side to side, he barely moves at all through the night
• He likes to have a fan on all night, the noise bugs me sometimes
• He likes a completely blacked-out room, I like a little light

Also, he is 6 foot tall and likes to sleep diagonally across a queen-sized bed, which lead to me either being squished to the edge or taking an elbow to head! Not a nice way to wake up!

At first, we thought it was mainly my snoring that was causing the issues, and we thought if we could fix that, we would be okay. 

So I went and did a sleep study to see if there was something medically wrong with me and causing the snoring.

Actually, I did two sleep studies, and both of them returned the same result: Yes, I snore here and there throughout the night, but there was no evidence of sleep apnea nor any other medical issue. 

On one hand that was relief, but on the other hand it didn’t help our sleep issues.

So we turned to the internet for solutions and we tried:

• Various ear plugs so he couldn’t hear me snore (but none of them were comfortable enough to wear through the night)
• Sewing tennis balls to the back of my sleep shirt so I would wake up when I rolled onto my back (the sleep study doc told me I only snore when on my back)
• A noise machine to try to cancel out my snoring (it just added to the cacophony of sounds and kept me up)

Inevitably, almost every night, one of us was frustrated. Neither of us were getting quality sleep, and it started to create resentfulness in our daytime relationship.

So we made the decision to sleep separately.

It was a bit odd because we were living in a one bedroom apartment at the time. But we did have a second queen sized bed in our possession at the time because we both had our own beds before we moved in together.

We had a pretty large combined living room, dining room, den area in the apartment, so we just turned the dining room into a small bedroom for me. I had a queen bed and a night table. 

It worked best for me to sleep in the open area of the apartment, rather than the bedroom, because I used to get up and commute into downtown Toronto for work and having my space out in the living area meant I no longer woke my partner up in the early morning.

The truth is, we just didn’t work as sleeping partners.

And that is okay.

The rest of our relationship was just too awesome to give up on simply because we were struggling to sleep together at night.

And maybe as a couple you don’t even need a full sleep divorce. 

Perhaps your problems are ones that can be fixed in the same bed or the same room, even. I have read about various approaches to fixing sleep issues, such as:

• Sleeping the in the same bed, but with separate covers (some prefer heavier blankets, some people aren’t good at sharing)
• Sleeping in the same room, but in separate beds (some people just want their own space, but if there are no noise issues then this could be a fix)

And yes, there is still some stigma with all of this.

People would silently judge when they came over to the apartment and saw a bedroom in the living room.

As an empath I would always pick up on this and feel the need to explain. “Oh, yes, I snore and Andrew is so tall, ha ha ha, yes it works better this way”.

Close girlfriends might inquire if there were other “problems” in the bedroom? 

No, it has nothing to do with sex or intimacy. We find plenty of time for both. This was strictly about being able to get a good night’s sleep. 

In fact, I think it improved our intimacy in some ways.

As I mentioned before, I sleep very hot. Cuddling while sleeping has never been something that was comfortable for me, temperature-wise.

My partner, on the other hand, is a big cuddler and he missed that slice of sleeping together in the bed. So as time went on, we had to talk about what it meant to sleep separately and what we could do to fill the intimacy gap.

So now, every night on the couch, as we wind down for the evening, I give him a nice long back rub and sometimes add in a leg/foot rub. It helps us in two ways:

• First, to get in that cuddly closeness of touch
• Second, the rubs always make him calm and sleepy and usher him nicely to bed

There are just so many benefits to sleeping separately for us like that, I know that we would never go back.

In fact, we even took the practice on vacation with us!

The first vacation we ever took together was to Cuba. This was before we were living together and didn’t sleep over all that often so our sleep problems hadn’t fully reared their head… yet!

But on that vacation, we were in a beautiful ocean-side villa. One room, one bed.

The days were wonderful, filled with swimming, beach time, walks in the sunshine, delicious local food in the restos, and afternoons spent casually lounging and reading. 

Absolute perfection. 

But at night when it finally came time to sleep? Disaster!

The mattress and pillows were very soft. I was non-stop snoring (I have come to learn that the firmer my bed and pillows are, the less I snore).

I was waking Andrew up like every 15 minutes, so he would nudge me to wake me up, which would make me increasingly more exhausted which led to more snoring! 

So the next two vacations, we were already sleeping separately at home, and decided that booking two beds might be a better way to get through the week.

But even that didn’t help! Same problem as before… the soft mattresses and pillows made me snore more. And what was worse, is we were like five feet apart in the room so instead of just nudging me, he had to physically get up and come wake me up.

I even spent a few nights on one vacation in Cuba sleeping in the bathroom tub with all the extra pillows and blankets I could find, just to get a good night sleep! I have the picture of the spider bite I sustained as a result, for proof!

Well after all of that, we finally learned our lesson, and for the rest of our vacations, we book separate rooms. 

Most hotels book room rates by double-occupancy and if you only have one person in the room, they charge you an extra fee.

We specifically look for hotels and vacation packages that offer no “single supplement fee” sometimes also called a “single occupancy fee”.

Which basically means you aren’t charged extra for only having one person in a room.

So that way, we can have our own rooms at night (usually side-by-side or connected with an internal door) but we can open the rooms up during the day and basically have a super suite. Side note: this is also awesome because you get two bathrooms this way as well!

So not only has our at-home sleeping situation been fixed, but our vacations are no longer ruined by snoring and we get super-sized hotel rooms! 

What a sweet hack!

And all because we struggled to lay side by side at night for a few hours.

It is kind of funny when you think about it that way.

Like who cares, right?

Why the stigma? How did it get to be like this? What could possibly be wrong with getting a good night’s rest, being less stressed, and having less resentment in your relationship?

Here are the keys to making this work:

• You need to both agree that this is the best solution to your sleep issues.
• You need to be communicating with your partner regularly, especially in the beginning of the arrangement. 
• You need to agree on who sleeps where in the home.
• You need to make sure that you find other ways to keep the intimacy going, especially if one partner really enjoyed those nighttime cuddles.
• You need to check-in and make sure the solution is still working from time-to-time.

The most important take-away here is that a well-rested person is a happier person. Happier people are usually better partners. Better partners make for longer lasting, and more rewarding relationships. 

A sleep divorce could be your key to that relationship bliss you are seeking!

Remember, you don’t need to be an expert to have an opinion!